Genesis 11:5

The Lord came down to see the city and the tower, which mortals had built. Genesis 11:5

A Mosque to Remember

Anticipating my imminent departure from England, there are a few special places that I'm determined to revisit before I leave. Of course, there's the University of Essex and my dear friends whom remain in Colchester. Yesterday I ticked a London Walk off my list by joining a small group of folks for a guided tour through London's Little Venice. And today I visited one of the three mosques in England that I'm sure to remember: the London Central Mosque.


It was at the London Central Mosque where just a few months ago I testified that "there is no god but Allah and that Muhammad is the final messenger of Allah." This declaration is also known as the Shahada, the first pillar of Islam. I attended an Introduction to Islam event, designed for new reverts to Islam (The term 'revert' rather than 'convert' is used, because Muslims believe that everyone is born Muslim. When someone whose religion was changed by non-Muslim parents or influences chooses to follow Islam, they are considered to have returned to their original faith.)

I felt happy and inspired to see other new Muslims who reverted today or recently. We prayed Dhuhr, Asr, and Magrib together, and I had the privilege to teach another young Malaysian lady how to make wu'du, or to wash to be ritually clean before prayer. Hearing the Adhan (Call to Prayer) and realising that she did not know how to wash properly, I quickly began to take her through it step by step. I was reminded of my dear friend from Libya who helped me memorise some of the Quran, taught me how to perform wu'du at the University, and showed me how to pray in her own home. 

I sat beside a young Bangladeshi-British woman throughout the seminar today who was born Muslim, but has never practised. She complimented my knowledge of the faith, and expressed admiration for reverts who practice Islam so sincerely. Even she asked several questions as we made wu'du in the washroom, which I was happy to answer. I will not forget the vibrant blue art on the ceilings and the blue carpet inside this mosque.

This photo taken on my mobile certainly does not begin to do the beauty of this mosque justice.
How pleased I was to also see the Sheikh with whom I said my Shahada. The discussions and teachings at the seminar today made me thankful that I've already chosen Islam. One of my favourite points made today was the reminder that Allah is neither male nor female, and does not have parents or children.


Eid Al-Adha: What do you think about it?

Today is Eid, the celebration of the Prophet Ibrahim's (alayhi salaam) ultimate demonstration of obedience to Allah. Allah tells Ibrahim, the Father of Christianity, Judaism, and Islam, to sacrifice his son dear son on the altar. In Christianity, the son is Isaac, born of Sarah. To most Muslims, the son is believed to be Abraham's first son Ismail, born of Hagar. In Al-Quran, the story is not told with very much detail or description. Nevertheless, the relentless obedience of Ibrahim to Allah is completely clear. And even more, in the Quranic version of the story, Ibrahim tells his son directly that he has been told in a dream to offer his son as a sacrifice. Ibrahim asks his son "What do you think about it?" (As-Saffat 37:102). This way, the readers see the complete submission and obedience of the son to be sacrificed, as well. He replies: "O my father, do as you are commanded. You will find me, if Allah wills, of the steadfast." It was "when they had both submitted" (103) that they had fulfilled the commandment of God. 

Hajj 2011: If you cannot bow to pray, you say the prayers seated, without the motions. All Muslims are urged to visit Mecca for Hajj, an incredibly physically and spiritually challenging journey, at least once in their lives. Before embarking on Hajj, the Muslim must have paid all of their debts, and must ask forgiveness from all of their family and friends.
Yesterday was also the final day of Hajj. During Hajj the desperation of Hagar to care for her baby Ismail, when left alone in the desert without food and water is reenacted, as all of the pilgrims walk briskly back and forth between two mountains, just as she is believed to have done, searching for water. Now that many of my friends have had their own babies, and I've been able to peer into the world of motherhood, I can better imagine the pain that pierced Hagar's heart, as she longed to find the means to care for her child.

My Eid will be quiet, unlike that of many Muslims, who will celebrate by feasting with their families and friends. I'll most likely be working on job applications, and continue reading The Autobiography of Martin Luther King, Jr., whose life has been of keen interest to me recently. I'm amazed that the comments and criticisms, which he offered about the United States government during the War in Vietnam, are still criticisms that Americans who love peace can still make today. In March of 1967 Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. gave a lengthy speech about the war, saying:
America is a great nation,... [b]ut honesty impels me to admit that our power has often made us arrogant. We feel that our money can do anything. We arrogantly feel that we have some divine, messianic mission to police the whole world. We are arrogant in not allowing young nations to go through the same growing pains, turbulence and revolution that characterizes our history...
Sadly, this aspect of the American government has not changed since the time of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Recently my Aunt, whose emails that were based on lies about and misunderstandings of Islam inspired me to write this blog, accused me of "hating" my own country in response to my Facebook posts opposing war (in Libya, Afghanistan, Iraq) and American and British Imperialism. I have not replied to her, but felt grieved in my heart for being so drastically misunderstood. How can I articulate the difference between "hating" my own country and despising the activities of my government? How can I so adamantly disdain the conduct of my country's leadership, but still be a proud American, still love the land where I was born and raised? I found this week that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. conveyed this complexity most eloquently the same speech of 1967:
I oppose the war in Viet Nam because I love America. I speak out against it not in anger but with anxiety and sorrow in my heart, and above all with a passionate desire to see our beloved country stand as the moral example of the world. I speak out against this war because I am disappointed with America. There can be no great disappointment where there is no great love.

This week I also had the privilege of watching The Help in the cinema, seated beside my black manager from work. The story is of racism in Jackson, Mississippi, and is set in the 1960's. She encouraged me to read the novel The Help by Kathryn Stockett, so that we could see the film together. (I highly recommend reading the novel first.) Ironically, I found myself weeping in my seat after the film, and my manager was trying to console me. Of course I'm ashamed of the history and prevalence of racism in the United States, but at that moment I was mostly mourning my upbringing. I was mourning the way that my father, who was raised himself by parents who considered themselves superior to black people, used to teach me to be racist as a young child. He criticised black people when they appeared on television, in shows or commercials, saying they should not be there. He told me plainly to trust white people and not black people. Worst of all, my father insisted that we move from Maryland and Pennsylvania in order to distance ourselves from the black members of my mother's side of the family. I was weeping for being deprived of close relationships with my nieces and nephews, because of racism.

How grateful I am that I've had the opportunity to reject racism in my own life, and that my father's was the last generation in our family to promote racist ideology.


When I was home in September of this year, I attended my grandmother's burial. Most interesting to me, was that two exceptionally kind and sensitive black men buried my grandmother at the cemetery. I found it incredibly profound that a woman who probably had some good relationships with black people, but still considered herself and her white family superior to blacks, was laid to rest by the most respectful of black hands. These two men tried to comfort our family in our grief. They were sensitive to our mourning process, and most encouragingly grieved with us saying: "God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good."


 Yesterday I found myself seated to the right of a heavyset white woman on the train. Her approximately 12-13 year old son was seated across from me, drawing in his sketch book. He had short, straight blonde hair, and was drinking a Fanta Orange soda before 10:00am. The woman told her son in a soft voice that he would have to close his book in a couple of stops, as they would have to leave the train soon. He lifted his head, furrowed his eyebrows and grunted that he can keep his book open for as long as he wants to. She said nothing. A few minutes later she tried to engage the boy in conversation, and chuckled out loud, having looked out of her window to observe a Subway, McDonalds and Burger King all on the same street. Again, the boy barked at her. Another minute later she asked him calmly to walk down to end of the train car to find whether there is a toilet there for her to use. Angry that she interrupted his sketching, he lifted his head again, looked her in the eye, and gruffly replied: "NO!" He seemed surprised that his mother would even think to inconvenience him so greatly. The child appeared quite thin, pale, and full of rage. Judging by the Fanta, I assumed that he is never told what to eat, and probably has not eaten a raw vegetable in years. 

I was grieved for this woman, and the abuse that her son was giving her. Children who are not controlled by their parents or raised with a sense of respect for elders can be extremely abusive and violent. I have seen young teenagers hit their elderly parents in the grocery stores here, let alone shouting at them. After this boy refused to find the toilet for his mother, I looked at her, trying to acknowledge that I recognised the disrespect, and that she deserved much better. This is one of those situations in which you want to tell the parent that they do not and perhaps should not remain in this abusive relationship. The woman made eye contact with me and scoffed herself, as if she felt the pain of his behaviour, but was not surprised. 


I put down my book, and looked her in the eyes. "I heard a story about a man who carried his mother on his back." "Oh my," she replied. "He carried his own mother on his back on a journey for hours and hours." Truly, this story was about a man who carried his elderly mother on his back during Hajj - he carried her for hours, taking her 7 times around the Ka'aba in Mecca. "At the end, he asked a wise man, 'Have I fulfilled her right? Have I repaid her now for everything that she has done for me?' The answer was: 'You have not fulfilled even one contraction of her labor.'" In truth, the man who carried his mother asked a companion of the Prophet Muhammad ( صـلى الله علـيه و سـلم ) the question, and it was his response to say that carrying his mother on his back for hours through crowds of thousands of people and in the desert heat did not equate to the effort of one contraction of labor.  I left the woman with that story, which profoundly illustrates how much our parents, particularly our mothers, deserve our utmost respect, for our entire lives and beyond.

A Place to Pray

On Saturday afternoon I was waiting for someone at the London Kings Cross St. Pancras Station. It was time to pray, and my guest was late, so I started to search for a prayer or quiet room in the station, as they have in the London Heathrow airport. When I saw that none of the signs direct to a prayer room, I searched for a person who I could ask, a member of staff who may know a place to pray. I walked around for over 20 minutes, probably, looking for someone to ask. I saw staff members, but none who I suspected would know. At one point I turned around to find behind me a brown member of Eurostar staff with a short, gray beard. He was talking on his mobile, but I interrupted him with my facial expression and stare, which indicated I had a question for him. He put the phone down momentarily. Excuse me, I said. Is there a place where I can pray? I did not necessarily look Muslim, especially since I was not wearing my hijab. He paused for a moment, assumedly to overcome the unexpectedness of my question. I did not assume that he was Muslim, but I had a feeling that he might know. There was a prayer room, but they closed it, he replied. But I will show you a place that you can pray. He did not scold me for not wearing hijab, and I was deeply grateful for that - I felt uncomfortable already for leaving it at home, having worn it all week to work. I followed the man, as he continued the conversation on his mobile. He halted the conversation another moment to ask me if I prayer mat, and at that time I assured him I had a cloth to pray on, and my prayer clothes. Eventually we arrived in a corner by a Staff Only door. It was not a separate room, but he said it was a quiet place, and no one would bother me there. He also showed me the direction to pray, and then I knew that he himself had probably prayed in the same place. I thanked him, and as he turned to leave he said "Allah bless you." I felt part of a wider community of Muslims, who pray and fast in unity. Staff came in an out of that door, and people were passing in the main corridor of the station, but no one disturbed me, and I felt happy to have found someone to help me, and to have prayed on time. I am grateful for the function of prayer as a reminder of Allah in Islam. I am thankful for the sense of urgency to pray.

Kindness on the Train

When you wear hijab, it's as if you have an automatic set of friends, an automatic community. On the street, I'm greeting strangers, because we're all Muslim! We know that we share much in common, by just being able to recognise each other. It happens at work with new staff, and in shops anywhere I go. Immediately we see the common hijab, or a distinct beard, and we know that we have support at hand, if we need it. At a time in my life when I'm feeling quite unstable and suffering great loss, having a smile brought to my face by the sense of community that I have wearing hijab goes a long way.

Last night coming home from work, the train was full, as usual. I was not surprised that there were no seats. But as the train took off, a man got up from his seat and welcomed me to it. I feel this man recognised my hijab, and felt respect for me. Perhaps he felt more a connection to me on a religious basis. I will never know if he would have done it otherwise. But the man was Indian, and I did not know whether he was Muslim. When he called to order a taxi and said his name was "Vishnu," I recognised that he was actually a Hindu man. I'm sure he is well-acquainted with Muslims, as Hindus and Muslims and Christians live side by side in India.
I felt so honoured to have a seat, and for it to have been offered to me so generously. Usually men just let women, even elderly ones, stand up clasping a rail somewhere to stay on their feet, while they sit comfortably. I was very, very grateful to the respect that this man showed me. I thanked him again when I was leaving the train, and he offered a small smile, as if it was nothing. Not to me.

Al-Istikhara

I'm not one to give up easily, to give up hope, that is. If there has been any value in the past week, it is that I've learned more about myself. I'm more confident now that I own my religious conviction. In other words, I'm not pursuing Islam to impress anyone, or for this person or that person. I'm humbled to become Muslim because I find great value in the spiritual disciplines inviting me to take refuge in Allah on a more than daily basis. I hope that the events of this week took place only to make this clearer to me, and evident to anyone around me who may questioned my motives for converting to Islam.


Not only have I seen more clearly than ever this week that my desire to be Muslim is not a passing phase, but I've also realised that I am where I am because I want to be. I am happy with my location in the scope of my entire life at this present moment. I am grateful for where I am.

I feel strength, but only in prayer. I find peace praying for those I love, trusting that Allah will answer our prayers in time. In the past week everything I thought I had, so much that I clung to slipped between my fingers, leaving my hands and heart empty. And I feel that the only reason I remain one piece, with some measure of hope fixed securely in my heart, is because I trust the guidance of Allah. 

The most terrifying prayer that I have ever prayer is Al-Istikhara, a prayer of guidance provided in Islam by the instruction of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). However much is the beauty of surrender and trust conveyed in Al-Istikhara, it is these same features that make me nervous. Must I really say that I know nothing? Must I really admit that my own vision is finite and extremely limited? Apparently, yes. 

Because in this admission, I am still able to maintain hope. This week was tragic because of earthly circumstances, something man-made that seems so daunting, there is no way for the human mind to conceive that these barriers can be overcome. But Salat Al-Istikhara, which I am praying daily, still gives me hope that even in the case that human obstacles block my way, if Allah chooses in grace and wisdom, Allah can miraculously remove those obstacles and carry out Allah's perfect will. All that I can do is wait and pray. I am therefore, doing everything that I can.

Oh Allah! I seek Your guidance by virtue of Your knowledge, and I seek ability by virtue of Your power, and I ask You of Your great bounty. You have power; I have none. And You know; I know not. You are the Knower of hidden things.

Oh Allah! If in Your knowledge, (this matter*) is good for my religion, my livelihood and my affairs, immediate and in the future, then ordain it for me, make it easy for me, and bless it for me. And if in Your knowledge, (this matter*) is bad for my religion, my livelihood and my affairs, immediate and in the future, then turn it away from me, and turn me away from it. And ordain for me the good wherever it may be, and make me content with it. 

* When making the du'a (prayer), the actual matter or decision should be mentioned instead of the words ("this matter").

Lastly, I should say that I do not feel that simply any challenge associated with a particular decision should be taken as an indication that it is not good for us. I believe that there are times that good choices in life are made easy for us when Allah grants us the strength that we need to endure and overcome. This is different from all barriers simply being eliminated. There are times when we walk like the Prophet Musa/Moses (peace be upon him) and the Children of Israel through the sea on dry ground, and there are times when we have to struggle, fight, walk through fire, to get where we need to go.

You are my best friend, You know too much

Yesterday I travelled with my mother to the Veteran's Cemetery in Maryland where my paternal grandfather is buried, himself a World War II Veteran. I cannot say that I am necessarily proud of my grandfather's participation in World War II, but I am not ashamed of him. Having never met him, I am more proud, for example, of knowing that my grandfather, himself a recovered alcoholic, led Alcoholics Anonymous groups that successfully sobered up many former alcoholics. Knowing the distress that alcohol has caused my nuclear and extended family made the Islamic prohibition of alcohol quite easy for me to incorporate into my life. I've never been drunk, never really wanted to be drunk. The instruction to abstain from alcohol is one of the few Islamic commands with an explanation. Allah says that there is "some benefit for people" in wine and gambling. But in this case, "their sin is greater than their benefit." Al-Baqarah 2:219)

Under a thick layer of gray clouds, in the cool wind of fall, we buried my grandmother with her husband. She was 82 years old. We share precisely the same name: first, middle and last. We buried my grandmother yesterday, on the same date that my father passed away seven years ago.


Thus, I reflect on loss. I reflect on the pain of losing people we love, the people who show us who we are, and where we come from. I reflect on the sense of connectedness I felt to history, the history of my family, the country, and the earth, when I gazed at the headstone of my grandfather and grandmother. I reflect on what it means to determine, based on our losses, where we are going next. I contemplate how easily life begins and ends, how easily we can return to dust. 

Today I face yet another loss, one that is private, and cannot be named here. Today I lose love, a dream. I don't know what to do with the photographs, and warm memories that still stir up happiness in my heart. I see myself in the photos and in my memories, as a genuinely happy young woman, who could not have asked for much more. I see a sincere young woman, who gave her heart fully and loyally. Sometimes these efforts are not rewarded. Sadly, sometimes something that appears to be good for us in our limited vision, may also be bad for us. In reference to the struggle to which Allah calls us, we are told 
But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah knows, while you know not. (Al-Baqarah 2:216)
Patsy Cline sings, "I've loved and lost again. Oh what a crazy world we're living in." That much I can say as well. But perhaps the most important part of this loss for me is the realisation that I have lost much, and also gained much. I have been inspired to pray. I have been inspired to love and care for my mother more, to give without inhibition. At this moment, I cannot comprehend how someone who has taught me so much about love and care, could at the same time be a source of pain.

When I was a child, and even a teenager, I would cry. Not even my mother could console me. She would say, "You are crying like you lost your best friend." Today I have to hold back tears. If they start, they won't stop. I know that. I must be strong, in the face of the loss of yet another September. Hope in Allah for the best, trust that Allah knows best, and joy that my faith is not wavering as a result of the deepest of losses holds me together.

O Allah, may it be a beneficial rain cloud : اللهم صيبا نافعا

The rain continues to pour, and we're expecting two more days of it. How frightening and difficult it has been travelling back and forth to Philly over the past couple of days.
اللهم حوالينا و لا علينا اللهم على الاكام و الظراب و بطون الاودية و منابت الشجر
O Allah, let the rain fall around us and not upon us, O Allah (let it fall) on the pastures, hills, valleys and the roots of trees.
I distinctly recall the heavy rain that fell at the time of my father's death in September, seven years ago. Just days ago my paternal grandmother passed away, and yet again the rain is falling, even more heavily than before. Tonight my mom and I rode back from Philadelphia together, and had the chance to talk. We could also say that the circumstances forced us to continue a conversation that we cannot ignore, the elephant in the backseat, if you please.
Sadly, my mother does not feel that she can be happy in life if her children are not Orthodox. I can only imagine how difficult it is for a parent to find that their children, who they raised with love and devotion, do not meet their expectations. The truth is that I am most grateful for every sacrifice that my mother has made throughout my entire life in order to care for me. I could not have asked for a better mother. Even now that she is disappointed in me, she still shows me love and affection, the kind of loyalty only a mother can demonstrate. With all of my heart I do not want to hurt her - I wish that I she would not feel as if she has failed as a mother, simply because my faith has grown beyond Christianity into Islam. 
I tried to articulate how ironic it is to me that the Islam that she disdains has challenged me to respect and honor her. I listen patiently and with sincere respect to her convictions: She believes wholeheartedly that Jesus Christ is the son of God who gave his life as a sacrifice for humanity, was crucified and resurrected in order to overcome death and offer salvation to the world. I know this set of beliefs through and through. I am not asking and will not ask her to change her beliefs, and still I am happy to attend the Orthodox Liturgy with her. But I tried to convey my current state.
At this point and time in my life, I cannot conceive of a loving God who allows his prophet, let alone his own son, to be humiliated and violently murdered. I question why our omnipotent God would have to depend on his son, or any other, in order to forgive the sins of humanity. My sense in Islam is that from the beginning of time, Allah has been fully capable of forgiving human beings individually and collectively:
To Allah belongs whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth. Whether you show what is within yourselves or conceal it, Allah will bring you to account for it. Then He will forgive whom He wills and punish whom He wills, and Allah is over all things competent. Surah al-Baqarah 2:284
Maybe I am wrong. I cannot be so proud as to assert that I have found absolute truth in Islam. Of course I believe that Islam is a totally valid faith, but still, in humility I recognise that I am on a spiritual journey, being led by the grace of God. Therefore, I asked my mother to continue praying for me, however she wishes. As part of the recitation of Al-Fatihah (see Right) 17 times daily throughout the 5 daily prayers, I pray that Allah will guide me to the Straight path. If I am asking and she is asking, I can only trust that if my belief in Islam is some mistake, that God will lead me out of it.
Meanwhile, I believe that Jesus Christ (peace be upon him) as the honored prophet of Allah constantly redirects the attention of his followers to God the Father. In John 14:28 Jesus says You heard me say to you, “I am going away, and I am coming to you.” If you loved me, you would rejoice that I am going to the Father, because the Father is greater than I. I admit that Matthew, Mark, and Luke more consistently represent Jesus as a humble character who is the Son of Man. John is an exception to nearly every rule of the Gospels, and has a stronger agenda than the others to suggest that Jesus is a divine figure. When I read the Gospels, particularly Matthew, Mark, and Luke, I find countless examples of Jesus calling his followers to worship and submit to God alone. Jesus did not ask to be worshipped. He said that it is God in heaven who forgives (Mark 11:25), God in heaven who answers prayer (Matthew 7:11), God in heaven who is perfect and worthy to be worshipped (Matthew 5:48). Even more, it is Satan who attempts to bow down and worship Jesus in the wilderness. Jesus' adamant response in Matthew 4:10 is Away with you, Satan! for it is written,"Worship the Lord your God, and serve only him." 
In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus instructs his followers to pray as follows:
Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come. Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we have also forgiven our debtors. And do not bring us to the time of trial, but rescue us from the evil one. - Matthew 6:9-13 NRSV
It should be noted that at the moment Jesus instructs his disciples on how to pray, he includes no instruction for prayers to be directed to him, nor instruction for worship of anyone but the one God in heaven. Below is the Lord's Prayer from Matthew again, with an English translation of Al-Fatihah running parallel. Al-Fatihah is the first Surah of Al-Quran and the Surah (verse) that is recited by Muslims before every rakat (prostration) during the 5 daily prayers. The consistency between the instruction of how to pray between the two prophets of God, Jesus and Muhammed (peace be upon him) are striking and most likely, not coincidental.
Photo property of AHMED ALMAHBUB
Our Father in heaven In the name of Allah, the Entirely Merciful, the Especially Merciful hallowed be your name. [All] praise is [due] to Allah, Lord of the worlds - The Entirely Merciful, the Especially Merciful Your kingdom come. Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Sovereign of the Day of Recompense/Judgment Give us this day our daily bread. It is You we worship and You we ask for help. And forgive us our debts, as we have also forgiven our debtors. Guide us to the straight path - And do not bring us to the time of trial, but rescue us from the evil one. The path of those upon whom You have bestowed favor, not of those who have evoked [Your] anger or of those who are astray.
At the core, I believe that the intention of the Lord's Prayer and Al-Fatihah are essentially the same: to worship the One God, Acknowledge Allah's ultimate authority over all of creation, Express our dependence on Allah, and ask for Allah to bestow forgiveness upon us out of his boundless mercy.
I'm grateful for the conversation with my mother this evening. If it is hope that she needs, I do not want her to lose hope in me, or her God. I am happy to have returned to a belief in God. The spiritual disciplines of prayer, fasting, and giving, disciplines also found in Christianity, will only better my character,  if God wills ان شاء الله تعالى. Jesus promised in Matthew 7:15-20 that we will know false prophets by their fruits. The fruit of the Prophet Muhammad's (peace be upon him) delivery of Al-Quran to the people from Allah is over 1 billion individuals who are commanded to pray, fast, respect the life and humanity of their neighbors, and give generously to all who ask. Oh Allah, may it be a beneficial rain cloud.